I am soooo behind on my Rock of Love recaps. I think I missed a whole episode. Oh fart. Let's get up to speed, shall we?
Okay, in episode 1, Bret arranged for the ladies to play football in the mud. That way he could dress them in slutty little outfits and watch them get all dirty. Look people, he has no time to think in anything but cliche's, okay?! Anyway, they picked teams and stupid Megan got left out. She is one nasty girl, I tell ya. Not nasty like the strippers but nasty like she is just mean and condescending to every single person she encounters. The game was silly because half of them didn't know anything about football, but Ambre and Daisy played well and had the scars to prove it. Daisy's team ended up winning and she was chosen MVP so she got a private date with Bret. He took her to some sex shop and had her try on various "outfits" for him, like slutty cheerleader or slutty nurse or perhaps, slutty librarian. Hmmm, going to a sex shop on a date with a washed up rockstar is PREDICTABLE, you say?! Again people, CUT HIM SOME SLACK! He has to spend so much time writing and keeping his bandannas on that he has no time for originality, OKAY?! That whole thing went as it you would imagine and then they went to dinner where Daisy proceeded to ask Bret a zillion random questions until he wanted to shove a sock in her mouth. Then they went home. There was also a group date but it must have been boring because I don't remember what happened.
As the night wore on, many of the ladies were becoming worried that they might get kicked out and lose their chance to be Mrs. Bret Michaels, so what came next was a sad parade of needy women crying to Bret about why he should keep them for one more night. But, they have a CONNECTION! Bret decided to shock everyone that night by not eliminating anyone, but he also warned that two would go the next week. Scandal!
In Episode 2, The challenge was a rodeo with Rodeo from last season leading the way. She is freakish and I had to turn away. Anyway, it was similar to the mud bowl, icky conditions, skimpy outfit, you get the idea. Payton and the old lady that looks like a country singer from 1978 were desperate to win because they haven't been on any dates yet. Step it up! Anyway, they sucked too badly and Amber's team won the group date and Jessica was picked for the solo date. Who is Jessica? That's what I said. The group date was just bizarre. Ambre, Kristy Jo and Destiney went to this restaurant that has no lights. Like you eat in the dark. Total darkness. Who thought of this dining concept? I can't even get through a boneless, skinless chicken breast IN THE LIGHT without major inspection before I'll take a bite so this experience would be a nightmare for me. Well apparently in the dark you don't eat, you make out with whoever is next to you and we saw everything thanks to the night vision camera. Kristy Jo went for it and started attacking him while the other girls just yakked on, totally oblivious. What was really gross was when Destiney got up to go to the potty, her skirt had mysteriously made its way up around her waist and they had to actually BLUR OUT HER LADYBITS. Hmmm..now Bret was sitting beside her with his hands under the table but SURELY he wasn't making out with Kristy Jo and playing doctor with Destiney AT THE SAME TIME, was he?! Sure he was and even I needed a Purell shower when it was over. Ambre finally made her move when Kristy Jo and Destiney left and she climbed on his lap and just went at it right there. Class-say! They went home, Bret took Kristy Jo back to his room to "talk", the other girls got all mad and jealous and blahblahblah. The solo date was paintballing, because nothing says fun like a good ol' paintball date and it was stupid and boring and I fast-forwarded through most of it. That night he ended up eliminating both Peyton and the 1970's country singer which was kinda sad because they were quite a bit older than the others and you just knew it wasn't going to be them in the end but they were just so hopeful. Maybe they should hook up. The end.