Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Ghost Whisperer II: Electric Boogaloo

So, what did we hear last night just as we were falling asleep? THE EFFING GHOST IN MY HOUSE, that's what. It was about 10:30 and we were in bed and Jeff had just started to doze off and I was enjoying an episode of The Golden Girls when we heard a bang. We both looked at each other and he was like "did you hear that?" and I was like "OF COURSE I HEARD IT, OUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED." He darted out of bed again and I followed but we were unable to locate the source. I've lived here for almost 9 years (Jeff's been here a year longer) so I know the normal noises our house makes. The pipes bang, the dehumidifier kicks on at odd times and the furnace is always groaning but these are more like bumps and bangs, which are CLASSIC GHOST NOISES. Jeff was all "maybe it was the neighbor taking their trash out or something outside?" but no, it wasn't. This noise came from inside our house, I am 100% sure. I'm here all day long and I know the difference. If it had been a trash can being dragged to the curb, it would have been a dragging noise, not a bang and why would they be taking their can to the curb last night when trash day is tomorrow?? The REALLY bizarre part is that every time we hear a ghostly noise, the dog does nothing. Nothing. Not this time and not the snack ball time. Does she not hear them? Is she THAT lazy that she can't bother herself with pursuing ghosts? Who knows. We'll see what happens tonight.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Ghost Whisperer

So, my battle with the paranormal spirits inhabiting my home continues. Yesterday, about 15 minutes after I put little Kimchi down for his nap, I went to the kitchen to make my lunch, which was a Lean Cuisine fettuccine carbonara. I had left a message for my sister to call me and just as I was poking the required hole in the plastic cover, the phone rang. I grabbed it, stuck the food in the microwave, hit 3 minutes to cook and went into the bedroom. Max's room is literally right outside the kitchen and for some reason he will sleep through our smoke detector going off (true story) but if I talk on the phone at any decibel level higher than a low whisper, he'll wake up. It's uncanny. Anyway, I went into the bedroom to continue my conversation, which lasted approx. 15 minutes. My plan was to have cooked my meal for the first 3 min and then stir and cook for another 1 min 30 sec. That's how a real gourmet cooks. Don't let anyone fool you. Well, as I wrapped up my call and started to make my way back to the kitchen, I realized that the microwave was still on.

I repeat, the microwave was still on. It should have been off for 12 minutes at this point.
And it was counting down from 59:58. That's 59 minutes and 58 seconds. WTF?!!

Now, before you start in on how I MUST have programmed it for the wrong time, know this. I would have had to have manually set it for about 75 minutes when I put my dinner in, which is WAY different than the 3 min I pressed. There was no magic button to add an hour. Now, I vaguely remember the dinger going off at some point but I can't be 100% certain. Either way, it had to have restarted itself for at least one hour. This microwave is fairly new and we've never had any kind of problem with it before and I use it almost every day. By the time I got my fettuccine out, it was totally black and had melded with the container. I never once smelled it burning, or obviously I would have run in and stopped it, which also totally freaks me out. I'm sure you've all smelled burned popcorn but this had no smell at all and after 15 minutes it should have REEKED. I still have no clue as to how long it was actually in there but clearly it far exceeded the time on the box. This whole thing freaked me the eff out and so I did what anyone would do, I called LM. She's been doing some research on our house because it's super old and clearly haunted. We didn't find anything too juicy, no bodies under the floor or anything so we've naturally assumed that it was my Meemaw this whole time, which didn't scare me because she would never do anything to harm us and if anything, she would be here protecting us. Now, I'm not so sure. LM agreed that this was a very strange occurrence and as anyone would, she started to try and explain it logically. Maybe the microwave is on the fritz? Maybe, but it never happened before and hasn't happened since. Maybe I set the timer wrong and didn't realize it? This would be probable but I SWEAR that there's no way I'd mistakenly hit 75 minutes instead of 3. What would I ever cook in a microwave that would require that long of a cooking time? A freaking turducken, perhaps?! No, there isn't anything.

We agreed that yes, there has been enough evidence to safely assume that someone or something is in here but as she pointed out, it seems to be friendly so that's a good thing and I shouldn't be too worried. Um, no LM, cooking my Lean Cuisine so long that I needed to carbon date it and possibly starting a fire in my kitchen IS NOT FRIENDLY. This shit is on.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Cleanup, Aisle 7

So, I haven't written in a while and you wanna know why? Because I've been at the grocery store. I am not kidding. I've been to the grocery store SIX TIMES since Saturday. What do I do that requires SIX trips to the store? I have a very serious problem and require professional help. I've been to the regular store three times*, Trader Joe's twice and Sam's once. The best part of this and I do mean the BEST part is that I just realized about 15 minutes ago that I'm out of milk and paper towels.

*it was actually 4 times to the regular store, because on trip number 3, I realized after I parked that my wallet wasn't in my purse and, after a mini-meltdown because I was convinced that I had dropped it at Qdoba and that someone THAT VERY MINUTE was stealing my identity but in fact it was on the floor in Max's room all alont, I returned for trip number 4.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Well hello, Monday.

So, we had quite a nice weekend here. The trees are starting to turn purty colors and it's chilly enough to wear a jacket and we know how much I love a good jacket. What I do not love about this time of year is having to listen to people moan about the weather. Guess what? We live in the midwest, not the South or the West coast and you know what that means?? IT GETS COLD HERE. Surprisingly, it gets cold about the same time every year. You can almost plan on it. They're called seasons and yes, lady at Macy's yesterday who complained loudly on her cell phone for 10 minutes about how FREEZING it was yesterday (it was in the mid-60s), it will only get colder until spring, when (wait for it...) it gets warmer again. The same woman was also trying on leather boots (try wearing those in July, beyotch) and had a fur vest on. A fur vest? What the hell does that do? How is that warm? Do you add the sleeves when it drops below 50? Why were you wearing this and yet your daughter was wearing shorty-shorts with knee socks, Uggs and a sweatshirt. Did neither of you talk before you left the house? Do either of you employ a mirror, perhaps? Sigh. This is what I get for shopping in the burbs. Confusion.

Jeff was the best husband yesterday (well, he is every day but especially so this weekend) and not only made me delicious ribs, but he also kept an eye on our precious cargo during football so that I could go run errands in peace. I also went out on Friday night with LM and Mary to see Paranormal Activity AND grandma Jan came and watched Max on Saturday so we could both go out. Last week sucked around here and this was all very much appreciated. FOR REALS. Sometimes you just need a breather.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Cake Alert

This has been an unusual cake week. I've had three cakes that were all the same concept. That never happens. I tried to make them all unique and I hope they liked them.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Seriously, kid? We're doing this again?

So, as I mentioned earlier, Max was sick last weekend. His illness was short lived though, and we haven't seen the evil fever fairy since Sunday evening. He had no other symptoms of anything, no snotty nose, no cough, no weird pooping, nothing. I kind of went on the assumption that since the fever was gone and he was acting normal, all was peaceful in the land. Well, all was not peaceful in the land. On Sunday night, when we tried to put him to sleep, he threw a super epic meltdown. It was Defcon 7 red alert. We started at 7:30, his normal bedtime. He went down fine and as soon as the door closed, he unleashed it. This tantrum began as shrieking and screaming followed by some howling and then yelling, all mixed with tears and that noise you make when you're crying really hard and you can't get your breath. I was concerned. 11 minutes later, he was still wailing away. I had gone in once to tell him that it was nighty night time and that he needed to go sleepy and he seemed fine with it and laid down. Again, the minute the door shut HE FREAKED OUT. We let it go for a bit, went in, tried again, rocked him, gave him a drink, promised him a car, you name it but nothing was working. Finally, at around 9:30, I told Jeff that perhaps we should try the old "drive around and let them fall asleep" method. He had to be so tired and at this point he was fighting it just to fight it so if we could just get him to shut his eyes, we might be in business.
We drove around for about 20 minutes, during which time he laughed and pointed at things out the window, until he had enough and started to fuss. He was nowhere near sleeping and we were pretty much screwed at this point. I brought him inside and as soon as we entered the bedroom, he turned into jelly bones and tried to escape my arms. I put him in the crib and once again, he went bonkers. I finally said screw it, grabbed him and my pillows, kissed Jeff goodnight and went in to sleep in the twin bed in his room. He spent the first 15 minutes talking to me and trying to play with my glasses. I must have said "go to sleep" 50 times. He finally relented and we both dozed off. This lasted about for about an hour. I spent the rest of the night trying to harness the small bolt of lightening next to me.
The next morning I called the doctor. I explained about the fever and his fussiness, but she wasn't too concerned since he didn't have anything else bothering him. She said that if he was still fussy that night to call back. I explained that it wasn't that he was fussy, it was that he was downright refusing to sleep. Something must be wrong. She said to keep an eye on him. Lovely. The rest of our day was pretty normal, he took a decent nap and seemed only moderately crabby. I happened to talk to my neighbor about her son, who had also been up with a fever over the weekend, but his turned out to be strep throat. I told her that Max had no other symptoms and she said her son didn't either. WHAT?! The only symptoms were crabbiness and decreased appetite. Max hadn't been eating as well as he normally does so I was sure that was it. THIS EXPLAINS IT ALL! I decided to call the doctor again the next morning and assumed he was still sick and took pity. That night we had the same meltdown at bedtime so this time Jeff slept on the floor with him while I took the twin. Jeff said he woke up at 4am to find Max wandering around his bedroom. He was like "MAX!" and he turned to him and said "hi dada!" He said it took him about 20 minutes to get him back to sleep. I took over on the floor at 6 and miraculously, we both slept until 8:15.
So, this morning I took him to the doctor. She did the swab and came back 5 minutes later to tell me that he was 100% fine. No strep. In fact, she said everything looked totally fine. I was like "but the sleeping, WHAT ABOUT THE SLEEPING?" and she said that maybe he just decided he didn't want to go to bed anymore. OH REALLY. Then I realized something. I have a toddler. I have a terrible two. This is just......him. Shit. The doctor patted him on his cute little head and said she was sorry he was going to have a bad night. No truer words were ever spoken.
Tonight was no different, except that I didn't have the fear of sickness softening me up. I didn't want to make him cry it out if he felt crappy because that's just mean. But he isn't sick so guess what? He cried it out. He cried the hell out of it. He's STILL crying it out and it's been 40 minutes but the crying is intermittent and then he goes back to sleep and that means I won.

This round, anyway.

He finally fell asleep around 9p and we did not hear a PEEP from him until this morning when I went in to wake him. Yes, I woke him up because of course I had super freak out that he was quiet for bad reasons but no, he was just sleeping. Like a baby.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Cake Alert

Two cakes this weekend. Both pretty dang cute. Check it out, yo.

It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown

So, we took Max to the pumpkin patch this weekend. My mom had suggested it since I don't think of these fun kid things and don't recall having ever gone myself. It had rained for DAYS prior so I figured the place would be a muddy disaster and I was pretty much correct. There were giant puddles and mud streams everywhere and like a moth to a flame, Max was instantly drawn to them and spent most of his time trying to get his shoes as dirty as possible. The pumpkin patch had all kinds of cheesy displays with dressed up mannequins (The Wizard of Oz, really? How is this Halloween related?) and graveyards with zombie hands trying to dig their way out, but he wasn't really interested in those. He did like the chickens and stood in front of them yelling "BOK BOK" and he was excited to ride his first pony. Okay, WE were excited for him to ride his first pony, he got on and looked at us like "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" but once Jeff got him comfortable on it, he was fine.Look at meeeeeeeeeee.....I'm RUNNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These zombies are not scaring me, lady. I'll show you scary.

The pony however, was the world's largest rip off. It was $5 per kid and they went around in a 20 ft circle FOUR WHOLE TIMES. It was over in about a minute. When they stopped it, my mom was like "wait Jeff, it isn't over" and the old man carnie running the ride was like "it's over" but either she didn't hear him or wanted him to hear her so he might one day realize he's running a total con, but either way, she said it again and he repeated "IT'S OVER, LADY!" so Jeff finally pulled him off. The other parents were throwing their money at this man like a hillbilly stripper and he was happy to take it and give them a half-ass pony ride. Well played, sir.
Um, what the hell did I do to deserve this? What is this thing?

Yeah, I've been riding for years. My next go round will be side-saddle. Lady, give the man another fiver and hand me my crop.

Aside from the ponies, he was pretty much too little for the other attractions. They had some bouncy things that I figured he would get crushed in and a little tiny train that went through the corn fields. He was really interested in the train, but as we stood and watched, Jeff and I agreed that it would come back minus one and I wasn't in the mood to go child hunting. He would probably have thrown himself off like a hobo who found his stop. They had a few playgrounds scattered around so he was pretty happy just to swing and slide.
We finally made it to the pumpkins and while I don't ever buy pumpkins, I decided to go for it since we were there and all. I sent in my trusty pumpkin analyst to get the pick of the litter.
Hmmm...this looks like a good one.Let me give it a good thump, just to make sure.
Plane. Um, where was I.....Let me go ahead and get this for you, ma'am. Yep, I'll just pick this one up....Here you go. Lemme get this to the car for you. HA! He's strong but.......I was really holding it.

So, we sharing this cab fare or what? If not, you're gonna have to get out.
So I told her I wasn't paying $2 for this water. I mean come on, it's WATER. Ya know? You're awfully quiet. Is something wrong? You can tell me.

After we left, we went to grab some lunch with grandma and Maxipoo wasn't really having it. He was super fussy and I'm sure the waitress was glad to see us leave so she could clean up the chicken fingers that now littered her area. I knew he was tired because he had gotten up at 5am (really kid? REALLY?) and hadn't had a nap yet. We got him home and in bed and spent the rest of the day puttering around the house. Jeff and I had planned on some wine and perhaps a movie that night, but Max had other plans. About an hour after I put him to bed, I heard him crying. Really crying. This is unusual at this point so I went in and he was BURNING UP. I took his temp and it was almost 104! I called the DR and all we could do was try and give him something to reduce the fever. He didn't seem to have any other symptoms but I was still all HOLY CRAP SWINE FLU. We tried to put him back down but he was so fussy that he kept waking up so we finally put him in bed with us and tried to sleep. He's like a 10-legged donkey when he sleeps so Jeff and I were pretty much up all night with him. His fever lasted on and off until Sunday evening, when it finally stayed down around 100. He seems okay this morning and so far no fever so maybe it was some weird 24 hour thing. Who knows. Maybe it's the pumpkin flu.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Cake Alert

I used my graphic designer skills this week. I love this cake so go to and see if you agree.

I trust you will. Keep it to yourself if you don't.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

He's going to a garden party. Of one.

So, we used to have a big garden in the backyard with tomatoes, herbs, and sometimes a veg or two but over the last couple years, we've been invaded by our idiot neighbor's bamboo and it's killed everything. Well, the bamboo and my lack of gardening skills, but I digress. He planted it and didn't bother to research the kind he planted (rumor is that he stole it. Seriously. He stole bamboo. CITY LIVIN', YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!) and as it turns out, he planted the kind of bamboo that will take over the planet in mere minutes. You can sit on my deck and watch this stuff grow. It went from invading a small corner of the garden to taking taking over the whole yard in 3 seasons. We've figured out how to reasonably contain it along the perimeter but there are still shoots coming up all over the yard and it basically killed the garden, not to mention almost killed me since I trip over the stupid shoots constantly. It not only invaded the planting beds, but it pretty much blocks all the sun so we haven't bothered planting much of anything anymore. However, I decided to plant peppers earlier this season just to see if anything would still grow and promptly forgot I did it. In my defense, I don't go in the backyard a ton because we are also unable to grow decent grass so it's a mix of dirt, twigs, rocks and clover and as you can see below, the bamboo also prevents the sun from getting to the grass and everything below it is DEAD. Because I am a sucky forgetful gardener, all the peppers that actually grew, and there were quite a few I believe, either shriveled up and fell off or the squirrels got them. Luckily for Max, they must have missed a couple because he found them yesterday and went a pickin'!
That's the one sad plant left. Even Max feels sorry for it.
But not that sorry! GET IN MAH BELLY.

He is clearly a budding P. Allan Smith, so I'm going to have him help me with it next year. BAMBOO BE DAMNED. If he's good at it, I might let him start mowing the lawn, too. I KEED, I KEED. I'll wait until he's at least 4.