Thursday, September 30, 2010

It's all gone to the dogs.

So, we adopted this dog Zoe, right? She's been here for almost 2 weeks and for the most part, she is a really awesome dog. She is so sweet and gentle and lets Max do things like run his train on her and she'll sit still while he makes her wear hats which I would stop if it weren't so funny. She's the kind of dog that everyone likes, even our other dog Zoey, and Zoey doesn't like ANYONE including us most of the time. She is very attached to me and follows me around the house like a shadow and I can safely assume that if anyone tried to hurt us, she would take them down the best she could. That is a lot considering other Zoey would pretty much lead a robber to all the good shit should the situation arise. Traitor. Anyway, when we met with her foster family, they told us she was mostly potty trained and they would leave her in her crate when they had to leave home. No problem. They said her biggest issue was jumping on the table (wtf?!) and possibly digging in her food/water bowls and making a mess. Also not a problem. We could work with those. Welcome to the family!


The part about the crate, yeah, not so much. We bought her a big plastic crate like they advised and the first few times we left her, which wasn't for long, she did pretty well. I expected some anxiety and she was certainly glad to see us and get out when we got home, but nothing terrible. As the days have gone on, things have taken a turn. The plastic crate is now in the basement because over the weekend she ate it. Yes, that's what I said. Not only did she eat it, we left her in it in the living room and when we got home, she was about 10 feet away in the hallway, still in the crate. How this happened, I do not know. All I know is that she managed to literally chew through the side of this thing, I'm sure cutting her gums up in the process, to the point that we had to abandon it because she could put her head through the hole she made. The rescue lady told us she hated wire cages but at this point we had no choice. We bought a new wire cage and put her in it to test it out. We left for a bit and when we came home, she was sitting in it quietly chewing a bone and we pretty much thought we were dog geniuses.

We are not.

That was clearly a fluke because ever since, when we try to crate her, she flips out, literally and figuratively. I left her for a bit Monday and when I returned, the cage was on it's side, the plastic pan at the bottom was broken in two pieces and she was standing at the door with other Zoey waiting for me. When she flipped it, the latches slid the wrong way and she had no problem opening the door and walking to freedom. I decided to outsmart her so the next time, I used a zip tie to hold the door closed. FOOLPROOF! This time when I got home, not only was the cage empty but the zip tie was laying on the floor. She didn't chew through it but managed to get it off intact and I still haven't figured out how. Well played, dog.

I had to step up my game so the next time I left, I used THREE zip ties to hold the door closed. THREE. When I pulled into the driveway, imagine my pleasure as I gazed upon BOTH DOGS in the window waiting for me. WHAT THE HELL? I came inside and when I got to the kitchen where I had left her, the cage was still closed and the zip ties were still attached. This dog, who is not small and weighs about 30 lbs, had managed to nudge her big head through a 6 inch opening and squeeze her whole body through. To top off this feat, she decided to give me the dog middle finger by knocking down the trash can and spreading trash all over the kitchen. As I cleaned up coffee grounds, old food* and god knows what else, I realized this dog had beaten me. I contacted the rescue group who informed me that (surprise!) Zoe has severe separation anxiety. Perhaps informing us of this would have been helpful but whatever, it is what it is and we have to deal with it. At this point, I'm about to go buy a padlock for the cage door. The rescue lady contacted me and they implored us to not give up in her so they're sending in the dog whisperer (not the real one but A dog whisperer) to try to help. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? So yeah, that's what happening. A goddamn dog whisperer is coming. Stay tuned....

* So, we had met Jeff for lunch this day and Max had some chicken nuggets left which I put in my purse to take home because I am cheap. When he woke up from his nap, he wanted the rest of them as a snack so I gave him one. A few minutes later he walked past me and I got a big whiff of garlic and last time I checked, McDonald's did not offer garlic McNuggets so I told him to show it to me and realized to my horror that he was not eating a McNugget anymore but a piece of garlic bread from the trash. Zoe must have hidden it somewhere when she knocked the trash over and I didn't see it. Not only was it from the trash and had been chewed on by the dog, but it was covered in coffee grounds, the remnants of the potato leek soup I made over the weekend, apple peels and what I had swept up off the floor the day before. DISGUSTING BEYOND BELIEF. I snatched it away and immediately took him to the bathroom to give his teeth and mouth a silkwood shower but that garlic smell lasted for hours. I shudder just thinking about it.

Ice Capades

So, we signed Max up for ice skating lessons with his best friend Louie. It is HYSTERICAL and I'm not sure if he likes it or will bring this up in therapy when he's 25 but here's some video anyway.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Dog Day Afternoon

So last weekend, Grandma was so kind as so come and babysit overnight so Jeff and I could get away for like 37 seconds and decompress. It was a fast trip, we dropped the kid off at school on Friday morning and came home Saturday afternoon, but it was REALLY EXTREMELY NICE to just be away. We went to The Lake of the Ozarks, which for anyone not from these parts is a huge vacation area in the middle of the state. When we were kids, we used to go there at least once a summer, sometimes more, and it had that kind of resort area charm that they now only show in movies. The lake area circa 1985 was full of cheesy souvenier shops, really bizarre "Opry"-style shows, hillside go-kart tracks and water slides, questionably safe roller coasters and several places to buy Walnut wood bowls, Chicago cutlery and fudge. There were also tons of shops to buy things that smelled like potpourri, or just potpourri if you're a purist, and there was never a shortage of anything seafoam green or mauve. This was the 80s, people. Anyway, my childhood memories of this place are quite fond but I haven't been down as much as an adult so when we pulled into town and my first sighting was a giant Target next to a giant Lowes, I knew things had changed dramatically.

Gone was pretty much everything I mentioned above, replaced by Walgreens, the aforementioned Target, Walmart, Crapplebees, Panera, etc. Oh sure, there are still a few cute little shops left and we saw two go-kart tracks still operating, but it was nothing like I had remembered. Back in the day, we would drive the three hours to get there, stop at the ONE grocery store they had to buy everything we needed for the week and the rest of the time was spent doing fun things we didn't do at home and eating at places we didn't have at home. That's the point of vacation. Now, it's pretty much like any strip-mall-filled suburb around here but with a huge lake in the middle of it. Needless to say, it's lost something with progress. The bright spot is that there is an outlet mall down there that stretches for about a half a mile and I got some great deals on clothes for me and Max. That and we ate at a restaurant that has been there as long as I can remember but was always too expensive for us to go to as a family and it did not disappoint. We ate lobster and scallops until we almost burst, drank wine and sat by a huge window to watch the sun set. Ahhhh.....that part was really great. Here's Jeff toasting to you. You can tell it's a fancy place because it's so dimly lit.

After our delicious dinner, we went back to the resort and spent the rest of the night lounging around watching The Golden Girls on cable which made me very, very happy. The fun didn't stop there, either. On the ride back, we stopped to pick up our new dog. She did really well on the ride home and didn't pee or throw up anywhere. She's also SO SWEET and follows me like a magnet. Look at her!

So far her transition has gone well, she's settling right in, but we do have one small issue. Her name is Zoe, which is a name I love and you would know this because our current dog is ALSO NAMED ZOE. At first we were like "HA HA, can you believe we found a dog with the same name?! Whatta gas!" It took about 24 seconds for us to realize that this is not as funny as we thought in application. Yelling at the new dog to stop jumping on Max when the other dog is sleeping on the floor and wakes up with a look on her face like "WTF?! I was sleeping. Why am I being yelled at?" makes for a bit of canine confusion and you might be saying to yourself, "hey dumb blog lady, why don't you just name the new dog something different?" that may not be as easy as it sounds. The problem is that we'll still be saying Zoe all the time so she's going to continue to hear it and I'm not sure if her dog brain will understand that we aren't talking to her. So, if any of you have suggestions, please leave them because this shit is getting old.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What's up with that?

HELLO INTERNET! Sorry it's been a while but I've been busy. Here's what's happened since we last spoke:

#1 -we bought a minivan. A big honking minivan that makes me want to love it and hate it at the same time. This is what it looks like. It's for sure the fanciest car we've ever owned and since we're extra lazy, the doors and the hatch open on their own. TIME SAVING, PEOPLE. I am very busy and have no extra seconds to pull the door open myself. Anyway, the day after we bought it we drove it to Columbia, which is about 2 hours or so from home. It was a pretty sweet ride and still smells new despite Max's extra leaky pee pee diaper that soaked through him and everything else. Poor kid had to ride home with no pants on. Anyway, we went to Columbia to visit a dog we're adopting, which leads me to #2...

-we're not just adopting another kid, we're adopting a dog, too! Her name is Zoe, which is the same name as our dog now (confusing) so she'll have to learn to love nicknames. She's a 6 year old cockapoo who normally has cute curly hair but they had to shave her down. Here she is!

Awww...she's really cute and sweet and I hope she and current Zoe don't have an epic battle that ends in bloodshed but neither seem to possess the skills nor energy to pull of such an attack so I'm not too worried. I was worried this morning however, when.........

#3 - Max started preschool! Well, it's more pre-pre-school but whatever, he's in a classroom for 3.5 hours, 2 days a week and that is GLORIOUS! I keed, of course I will miss him but mommy needs a minute or 2 that doesn't involve someone yelling "MONSTERTRUCK" at me or something sticky being rubbed on me (is it a booger? I hope not. A chewed up cheerio? Maybe. This is my day.) and he needs more playtime with other kids so this will be good for everyone. He was pretty good overall but today was a short day with parents to get them oriented so the true test is Friday when I leave him.

And now you're caught up. Resume your day.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Cake Alert

So, this is the last cake alert for a while. A long while probably, so go over and give your eyes a present.