Thursday, April 23, 2009

Can I get the gas next time?

So, I went to the dentist today. It was my second visit this week, the first being Tuesday. Jeff has been bugging me to go for months because the only time I've gone in the last, um, let's just say many years has been for an emergency root canal but that's a story for another day. Actually it isn't. Cracked tooth on bagel. Went to dentist. Drilled out tooth and put on cap. End of story. Anyway, I had been experiencing some sensitivity in the teeth recently so I decided to make Jeff happy and go in for a check-up/cleaning. I was nervous because nothing good happens at the dentist and I have horrid memories of my last visit, pre root-canal. Well, they took a bunch of x-rays and the lady was like "um, how long has it been since your last cleaning?" and I was like "what year is this?" but she wasn't laughing so I told her it's been a very, very long time BUT I brush all the time. She said I had a lot of tarter under the gum line, and she stressed A LOT and not only would I need to sit there for the initial cleaning, but I was going to have to come back for "under the gum scraping." The hell I will. She convinced me that if I did this, I would have the gums of a 20 year old and I'm a sucker so back I went today for said scraping.

Personally, I think these dentists need to think of kinder words for the things they do to your mouth, especially when they call and ask you to come in 30 minutes early so that the tech will have PLENTY of time to get in all the scraping necessary. Anyway, they told me I would be numbed for this occasion, thank you jesus, but I might experience some "discomfort." Super. They gave me the Novocaine and a Woman's Day magazine and while I learned the secrets of saving money at the grocery store (SPOILER ALERT! Buy cheaper shit.), the right side of my face began to numb. Yes, I said right side and face. You see, they only do one side at a time so I have to GO BACK and get the left side done and the massive amount of Novocaine they gave me numbed me from my eyeball to my chin. Unfortunately, it did not completely numb th inside part of my upper teeth but I decided I didn't want another shot so I suffered through. She started with some kind of mouth jackhammer and chipped off all the tarter under my gums, which felt AWESOME (not) and followed that up with some hand scraping. For that, she used a pointy hook thing that looked like it could kill someone and she proceeded to scrape my teeth with such force I thought either they were going to fly out of my head or I was going to be flung across the room into the wall. This lady had some serious strength and she was not playing. The best part is that the whole time she was chatting me up and all I could do was grunt and nod. I had a line of drool going down each side of my mouth and my lips had dried so badly they were stuck to my front teeth and I couldn't free them. It was a good look. She got all the crap chipped off, gave them a polish and off I went. Overall the pain wasn't too bad and I'm glad it was done.


The Novocaine had left me completely numb still on the ENTIRE RIGHT SIDE OF MY FACE. I had to go pick up Kimchi from Liz, who had been so kind to watch him during my dental trials and tribulations this week and when I called to tell her I was on my way, it came out sounding like Quasimodo. If you watch Family Guy, there is an episode where Peter has a stroke and he is left paralyzed on one side and he calls it his stroke side. Well, I felt like I had stroke face. My right nostril was even drawn down and I looked like half of a Salvador Dali painting. I got to Liz's house and we all found vast amusement from this. I tried to drink from a straw but it would just run out so I gave up. I had to stop for gas and I could barely utter "pump 2, please" because I could not form the words. It took a good 3 hours for this shit to wear off and now I'm left with extreme jaw pain from the shot and from holding my mouth open for that long. I was going to make a prostitute joke here but I won't. ANYWAYS, that's my story. I have a month break before the next round. Tune in again.

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