Thursday, April 29, 2010

Maybe I'll just swallow the whole machine next time

So, yesterday was my last test before surgery. (cue ominous music) I would have written about it after we got home, but I was all jacked up on sedatives and some kind of painkiller and it would have probably been a long rambling opus on the wonders of cars made of cheese that drive down roads paved with giraffes and bars of soap. That's how much sense I made. The test sucked pretty hard, although I was only awake for the pre-game, which consisted of me laying on a table while our old friends Jerri and Brenda (ok, her name was actually Donna but Brenda just seems so right so I'm keeping it) poked and prodded me, topped off by Jerri telling me I had to "gargle a numbing agent," which in reality was a goopy sludge that tasted like pure hatred mixed with cherries. I was lying down and she stood over me, told me to open up and proceeded to pour this shit right down my throat. This is as pleasant of a thing as I imagine water torture to be. I held it at the back of my throat because I was afraid it would eat away my insides if I let it go down but then the doctor said to gargle, which I did and which made it worse because now it was running down the back of my throat and I had no choice but to swallow. To top it off, the doctor then told me he was going to spray ANOTHER numbing agent into my mouth and came at me with a can of what looked like the air you clean your keyboard with. He told me not to breathe in but when he sprayed a HIGH PRESSURE VAPOR into my mouth, my natural reaction was to gasp and cough. Then he said he had to do it two more times. OF COURSE YOU DO. About this time, Brenda pushed my sedatives through the IV and the next thing I know I was awake, unhooked and out of it. My mom went with me and soon Brenda was wheeling me out to the car. I think she talked a lot about dogs. Or maybe it was ham. I don't know. We picked up Max from LM's, who was so kind as to babysit (thanks and sorry for the poop diaper) and proceeded home. I don't remember a whole lot more but eventually we ordered some lunch and then Jeff came home and then my meds wore off and my throat was KILLING me so I went to bed. I asked the lady how small the camera would be and she informed me it wasn't a camera, it was a tiny ultrasound thingy and I asked how tiny is tiny and she said "don't worry, it's only about THE SIZE OF MY FINGER." WTF?! SERIOUSLY? That's what they shoved down my throat and that's why it felt like had swallowed a nail covered in razorblades.

Anyhoo, now I'm just waiting to hear when they want to do the deed, hopefully sooner than later so I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow we head to Ikea, I mean Chicago. HA! Look out American Express card, hope you're well rested (just kidding honey!)

4 comments:

Kait said...

I am so jealous of your Ikea trip I could pretty much explode.

But, you know, the whole swallowing pure hate and a rusty nail, that whole situation sucks. So I guess in the spirit of fairness I will not begrudge you your Ikea trip.

Somedays it's almost unbelievable how nice I am.

(also? glad your test went well in the sense that you didn't like die or anything. sorry it wasn't the most fun you've ever had. i really wish you had blogged while all jacked up. it would have made my whole day.)

Amy, Jeff and Kimchi said...

Kait, you are a noble friend and your kindness transcends time and space. I shall think of you often while I peruse the aisles. I typically have a breakdown about midway through because it's just too overwhelming and I want to buy ALL OF IT so I fill the cart and then realize I have too much and start putting stupid shit back like a $2 salt shaker and then Jeff yells at me and then I have to get a cinnamon roll to calm down. I have problems, Kait.

Allie said...

Oh goodness! I am so sorry you had to go through that! Ick! I hope this is all over and you're feeling 100% again soon!

So jealous about Ikea. Our nearest is in Canada.

Kait said...

Oh don't worry Amy, I do that in Target. And Ikea, but I'm in Target a lot more than I'm in Ikea. I have a meltdown and am all "IT'S ALL TOO PRETTY AND I WANT EVERYTHING!"

And then I cry. My husband and kids point and laugh. It's awesome.

BUT! We're going to Chicago this summer and yeah, that's right, I'm going to curl up in a happy ball of joy in the middle of Ikea. Any suggestions of where to go, what to do, where to eat, what's kid friendly? Guide me oh wise one. (or wise ass. it's really all the same right?)